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Posts tagged ‘Drive’

NEW CARS, NEW SECRETS AND YOU

Word hasn’t circulated publicly yet. That’s part of what makes this information so compelling. I’ve pulled a few strings and used some of my high placed connections in the car industry. They’ve entrusted me with trade secrets of their developing new ideas.

Until now designers’ focus has been on style: sleeker, sexier, cooler.  Driving new models, they told us, will make us savvier, sexier and more desireable. But people are getting smarter about advertising’s tomfoolery. We who might have been suckered in when we were younger and more gullible, no longer believe car companies’ promises that buying their product will grant the perfect body, perfect complexions, and perfect long hair, preferable blonde, flying in the breeze.

The fact that an enormous number of baby boomers are reaching their 60s finally impresses the manufacturers. Cars will now follow the demands of the consumers with the money.

Keeping their buyers’ identities in mind, the new windshields will be outfitted with wide bands of varilux lenses, offering drivers total viewing options, no matter what their prescription glasses dictate. Distances will be clearer, even at night. Thanks to the US Army, night vision goggle technology will be duplicated in new car windshields. Signs will be readable. Pedestrians will be easy to recognize. Signs in store windows, especially “SALE” signs, will finally be readable without causing fender benders. No longer will accidents happen because a driver slammed on the brakes to read details of  “big savings” or an “annual blowout” notice.

The comfort of the new car seats is now unmatched. The drivers’ seats will be ergonomically designed and individually adjustable. Lumbar support pillows will be released at the touch of a button, and cervical supports will cradle the neck and shoulders. Radiant heat will target stiff or injured areas, bringing instant physical therapy to the driver. And there will be extra sets of shock absorbers installed under drivers’ seats to ease the bumps that aggravate aching backs, caused by the shock of bouncing over flattened carcasses of road kill.

A new interactive button will be standard and will speak. When the driver, having a senior moment, asks, “Where am I going?” The car will answer “To Dr. Taylor, your chiropractor.”

Arthritic knees will rejoice in the new weightless environment being developed. Space technology is being used to perform weightless sensations in the new models, and this weightlessness will take pressure off painful backs. Spinal stenosis patients will experience the new hyperbaric chamber on the road.

At the touch of another button, pills of choice will emerge from the visor. The visor will be pre-stocked with acid reducing pills, anti nausea pills and pain pills. No more will headaches, car sickness or heartburn hamper travel in the new generation of cars.

So rush out to your nearest car dealer and sign on for information about scheduled delivery dates for the exciting new “Drive Younger” models.

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